How to Savor Gratitude and Disarm “Gratitude Traps”

Gratitude, properly understood and practiced, has the power to greatly enhance our relationships and our lives. Tragically, though, widespread misconceptions about its nature keep many people from fully enjoying it.

The Oxford English Dictionary defines gratitude as “a warm sense of appreciation of kindness received, involving a feeling of goodwill towards the benefactor and a desire to do something in return.”

Consider some examples. I have a sweet Hallmark figurine of a young girl with angel wings. I can’t help but smile when I see it. It’s special to me even though I’m not religious and it’s not my preferred style of art. It was a small token of genuine appreciation from a client, accompanied by a lovely note. I was quite fond of her and admired the progress she made. I don’t normally accept gifts from clients, but it was so tenderly given, and I knew it was not expensive. Receiving her gift was a moment of gratitude that I still treasure, and I enjoy having a memento that reminds me of her.

And then there is the funny thank-you note I received from my niece. She spent a week at our southern home to escape the unrelenting snowy weather up north. She was in her third trimester. We had a blast shopping for baby clothes and enjoyed many wonderful conversations. After her visit, my husband and I received a thank-you in the mail that I can’t part with. It was written in crayon on large newsprint, thanking us for the fabulous getaway that lifted her spirits. It’s a simple homemade note, and I cherish it. And it inspired me, in turn, to express gratitude to her.

Gratitude is an act of justice that conveys to the recipient how he’s enriched a person’s life, and it builds connection. Consider how you’d feel if a neighbor whom you’d helped in the past brought you a homemade meal with a heartwarming note when she learned that you are recovering from surgery. You would gladly reciprocate if the tables were turned. Her kindness brings you closer to one another, and you feel grateful for her care. It’s a win-win spiritual trade. There is a benevolent undertone to your relationship. She values having you as a neighbor, and you feel likewise toward her.

I try to make it a habit to savor such moments, whether I’m on the receiving or giving end. Savoring gratitude has many benefits, and Robert Emmons, in The Little Book of Gratitude, captures some of the aspects that I value most (as we’ll see, he also muddies the meaning of the term elsewhere—and I don’t recommend his book). He writes that practicing gratitude helps one become a person who is “expecting and seeing benevolence in the world, . . . amplifying the good in themselves and others” and that “Gratitude locks in this goodness, sealing it deep into our being so it appreciates in value.”¹

Expressing gratitude offers others a lovely kind of recognition and visibility, whether expressed to a friendly stranger who has just helped you, your employee who takes pride in his work, or a friend who helps you find a job in a field you love.

Receiving gratitude gives you this visibility, whether from your child who tells you that you are fun to be around, from a boss who is openly appreciative of your attentiveness to detail, or from an overworked and frazzled friend whom you invite for a night out.

Gratitude is especially important in romantic relationships. In The Selfish Path to Romance: How to Love with Passion and Reason, Dr. Edwin A. Locke and I write:

When a partner tells you what he or she appreciates about your character, in words (for example, giving you a warm, tender look and saying, “I love your warmth and sensuality”) or in actions (for example, responding to you emotionally, intellectually, and sexually), your partner provides you with a unique and priceless psychological mirror.

Assuming that you are a good, self-respecting person, gaining this external perspective on your own character is more than deeply rewarding and motivating; it is irreplaceable. It gives you a type of self-awareness that you cannot get in any other way. Observe that this is a two-way mirror; you both benefit. Together, as psychological mirrors of one another’s souls, you heighten your awareness both of yourself and of your partner. This intensifies your intimacy and adds joy and excitement to your life.²

Expressing heartfelt gratitude offers such psychological visibility and greatly deepens emotional intimacy. For example, when my daughter, son-in-law, and two-year-old grandson visited us from out of state, I put my all into making their week with us delightful. I loved spending time with our grandson, and I was charmed when he brought books to me and sat in my lap asking me to read to him. I admired the way his parents are raising him with tender guidance. I respected their autonomy and did not become the cliché dreaded mother and in-law. When they left, my husband gently commented in passing, “You are so amazing with our grandson.” I felt tears well up. I did not look for or expect this recognition. But it made me aware of the time, effort, and passion that I had put into the visit. It made me appreciate me. I felt gratitude for his recognition. And I felt psychologically visible for what matters deeply to me.

But sometimes people expect gratitude in return for things that don’t enrich the recipient’s life, such as unsolicited, unwanted advice, assistance, or gifts. In fact, as novelist and philosopher Ayn Rand identified in her novel Atlas Shrugged, some people even offer such things with the intent of inducing recipients to do something in return, often at a net loss to themselves.

The “Gratitude Trap”

Explaining and exposing this irrational behavior, one of the heroes of Atlas Shrugged asks one of the story’s villains, “Don’t you want to have me as one of your men under obligation?” Rand notes that men such as this villain try “to trap into gratitude as many people as possible.”³ What does it mean to trap people into gratitude?

The phrase “gratitude trap” describes an elusive ugliness in many relationships, a deceptive “kindness,” the main purpose of which is to make others feel indebted. Often, its victims feel guilty because they don’t feel grateful and don’t want the burden of reciprocating but nonetheless think that they ought to. This is, as Rand identified, unearned guilt—a feeling of guilt stemming from thoughts or actions that are, in fact, not wrong, and about which guilt is not warranted. Without understanding this phenomenon and its roots in moral premises, many fall prey to it. In consequence, their lives—and their ability to savor genuine gratitude—are severely degraded.

In my clinical psychology practice, I’ve met people who have lived by the policy of trying to trap those around them into a dutiful sense of gratitude. I have observed the destruction that such a mind-set causes, not only to the recipients of unwanted “gifts” or supposed generosity, but also to the person employing this trapping strategy. Such people imprison themselves within a manipulative mind-set and lifestyle.

To illuminate this, let’s look at a composite example based on my experience with several real patients. Max wanted his family to respect and value him. His strategy was to be “overly generous” with his wife, Julia, and their children: He provided them with things he thought that they ought to value without considering whether they actually did, never asking for their input—and often demeaning their suggestions.

They lived in an upscale home that he chose—with no input from Julia. He bought them designer clothes and took them on ice-fishing trips that only he enjoyed. He expected gratitude from them and, on the rare occasion that Julia challenged one of his decisions, his response always included something along the lines of “after all I’ve done for you and the kids!”

Julia was attractive, yet daily Max would insult her appearance to the point that she felt ugly and insecure. He expected gratitude for giving her feedback that would “improve” her looks, telling her what to wear and how her hair should be styled. Julia felt trapped and guilty. She felt that she owed Max unremitting gratitude for their home and the “good life,” but she didn’t feel it. She was becoming increasingly depressed.

Their kids also suffered. Nothing they could do or say could ever repay their father for the “scrimping and sacrifice” he endured for them—so they, too, obliged his demands at the expense of their own budding interests.

Despite their appeasement, Max saw his family as ungrateful because they did not thank him effusively enough, and he sensed that their expressions of gratitude were insincere. He observed how unhappy they were. He knew, at least in some foggy way, that they wanted their autonomy and a different relationship with him. But he rationalized to himself that he was the provider for the family and that he knew better than they did how they should live their lives.

Max tried to trap his wife and children into gratitude. He thereby caged himself into a manipulative mind-set. Making matters worse, he refused to work his way out. He made no effort to observe his own behavior honestly and connect it with the dysfunction in his family. He shifted feelings of blame to his wife and children. His decisions were unquestionably right, he held, and they should be grateful. He wanted to feel needed and venerated. Instead, he felt an ever-growing anxiety—as did Julia and the children.

I have seen many clients, trapped like Julia, uncage themselves. It has been one of the treasures of my clinical work. And fortunately, disarming the trap is quite straightforward—once one understands how it works.

How the “Gratitude Trap” Works

Observe that the false gratitude that Julia expresses to Max is driven by a sense of duty—which, as Rand observed, is the alleged “moral necessity to perform certain actions for no reason other than obedience to some higher authority, without regard to any personal goal, motive, desire or interest.”⁴

Whether or not they are aware of it, those who employ the gratitude trap rely on a feeling of duty in their victims, who willingly give up their values in “obedience to some higher authority.”

Why? What causes Julia to thank Max submissively when she doesn’t feel actual gratitude? Why does Julia stay trapped and act dutifully? More broadly, why do so many people cave and do the “polite thing”—express gratitude when they feel nothing of the sort? What force is so powerful as to induce these people to renounce their values? In most cases, the answer is: their deepest moral convictions. Perhaps you’ve heard someone say something like this:

I’ve been told throughout my life that it’s moral to think of others first—and that’s what feels right to do. I feel guilty about pursuing my own values, even though I want to. I never want to feel selfish or be perceived as selfish. I often feel inferior to others. I tell myself I have to focus on their needs and wants first.

It is tragic when people adopt a moral code that puts their aspirations and goals at the back of the line in their own lives. That moral code says that others’ needs, wants, and feelings should come first. The moral code of selflessness has a name: altruism, which means “other-ism.” It teaches that others are more important than you. It is the moral code of self-sacrifice. As Rand explains:

Altruism declares that any action taken for the benefit of others is good, and any action taken for one’s own benefit is evil. Thus the beneficiary of an action is the only criterion of moral value—and so long as that beneficiary is anybody other than oneself, anything goes.⁵

Altruism teaches people such as Max that any action taken for others is good—even if those others don’t value it. And it teaches people such as Julia that they should esteem such actions and reciprocate—without regard to any negative effects on their lives or the things that they value.

The idea that we ought to show gratitude to those who supposedly have sacrificed for us—even when their actions have an overall neutral or negative effect on our lives—is pervasive in most cultures. It’s promoted, sometimes unwittingly, by parents, teachers, friends, spiritual leaders, politicians, and more.

They say:

• “You ought to show gratitude for your success by giving back to the community that made your achievements possible.”
• “You should feel forever grateful to Jesus who suffered for you and repay him by lifelong obedience to his teachings.”
• “You should show gratitude to your nation—perhaps the ‘motherland’ (Mother Russia), the ‘fatherland’ (Nazi Germany)—by joining the military or by finding some other way to serve.”

This selfless, altruistic message is echoed by the previously mentioned Robert Emmons, a professor of psychology at the University of California, Davis. As the author of several books on gratitude and the founding editor in chief of the Journal of Positive Psychology, he is touted as “the world’s leading scientific expert on gratitude.”⁶ Emmons sometimes correctly describes gratitude as a genuine self-valuing positive, as we saw earlier. At other times, he describes gratitude in altruistic terms.⁷ Consider these passages from The Little Book of Gratitude:

• “[I]n order for gratitude to exist, the giver must act intentionally, typically at some self-sacrifice, to bestow something worthwhile.”
• “When we feel grateful we acknowledge that we have received a benefit and recognize the value of it, and we appreciate the intentions of the donor. We also recognize (perhaps less consciously) that we didn’t necessarily deserve or merit the benefit.”
• “The most important lesson I have learned in my decade and a half of studying gratitude is don’t focus on yourself!”⁸

Unsurprisingly, many people have come to adopt a warped notion of gratitude. Today, “gratitude” often is used as what Rand called a “package deal,” a word that treats “together, as parts of a single conceptual whole or ‘package,’ elements which differ essentially in nature, truth-status, importance or value.”⁹ This package deal combines (a) the genuine, life-serving goodwill that people feel in response to their benefactors with (b) the destructive sense of duty elicited by others. It blurs a person’s thinking about—and ability to enjoy—gratitude. And its destructive effects go well beyond those caused by people who intentionally employ the gratitude trap.

Take the case of Gary and his wife, Megan, who made the decision to live near his mother, Hilda. They had not foreseen the consequences of that move. Hilda, a widow, was delighted that her son bought a home a few blocks away, knowing that she would be able to “help them out” whenever they “needed it.” She made Gary and Megan the focus of her lonely days. Initially, she would drop in at dinnertime, putting them in the awkward position of inviting her to dine with them. Hilda gradually extended her own welcome, cooking their meals and cleaning their kitchen after dinners in ways that Megan found grating. Megan would thank her grudgingly. On the duty premise, Hilda would even persist when her arthritis kicked up and when she preferred to stay home. She turned down the rare opportunities to enjoy the company of her few friends because, in addition to wanting to help, she increasingly felt obligated to do so.

Hilda loved her “kids” and did not understand why they sometimes seemed resentful of her help, rather than grateful, despite her many sacrifices. When they started a family, they could not keep Hilda away. They made some feeble attempts, but Hilda was brimming with “dos,” “don’ts,” and child-rearing advice, which they resented but which made her feel as if she was contributing something. She brought them baby clothes and amenities, overloading them with unwanted stuff. Resigned, they dutifully professed gratitude while meekly telling Hilda it was unnecessary and that they could buy these things themselves.

Gary felt trapped. He didn’t have the heart to tell his loving but intrusive mother to back off. Megan and Gary began arguing. The couple knew this was not working. They wanted their privacy, but they felt wrong about demanding that Hilda change her ways. Gary felt that he could not hurt his mother’s feelings, after all she was doing, even though he resented it and the damage it was causing in his marriage. Hilda became a fixture in their home because Gary would not set reasonable boundaries, and he insisted that Megan not do so either. He knew his mother had been lonely, and he pitied her. Increasingly, he placed his mother’s feelings above his own needs, above Megan’s, and above their marriage. Yet, at best, he expressed only a lukewarm gratitude to Hilda.

Unlike the case of Max, Hilda’s intrusion is more a case of misplaced benevolence. Of course, Hilda was aware of being the third wheel in the house, and often she could sense the tension she was causing. But she had made “helping” her son her new purpose in life, filling her otherwise lonely days. She was not about to disrupt that purposeful rhythm. Although not abusive (like Max), Hilda was manipulative. She counted on her son’s love, his awareness of her loneliness, his fear of hurting her feelings, his benevolence and goodwill, and his willingness to put others’ needs above his own—as she had always taught him to do. Although not fully explicit in her mind, she used his moral confusion as a weapon against him.

Gary stayed trapped because he was unable to distinguish between the good that his mother was doing and the bad. Consequently, he felt a mixture of genuine gratitude and ever-increasing frustration.

Gary could disarm the trap, unpackage the package deal, and begin savoring genuine gratitude. But doing so requires the moral conviction that it is virtuous and healthy to value oneself first in life—and that others ought to value themselves first, too.

Disarming the “Gratitude Trap”

Genuine gratitude—and good relationships more broadly—are based on respecting one another’s autonomy and connecting with one another when it’s mutually beneficial. Consider Paul, who recently retired. He loved his job as a computer science teacher and misses it terribly. Without being intrusive, he cheerfully offers to help his friends with any computer problems they may have. They see how he enjoys helping them, and they are grateful. It’s a win-win situation.

Genuine gratitude is pleasurable to both the giver and the receiver; it fosters deeper connections and understanding. It amplifies the good in the relationships and lives of both. Genuine gratitude is not the result of the sacrifice demanded by altruism, but of the rational, long-term self-interest demanded by egoism, which, as Rand put it,

holds that human good does not require human sacrifices and cannot be achieved by the sacrifice of anyone to anyone. It holds that the rational interests of men do not clash—that there is no conflict of interests among men who do not desire the unearned, who do not make sacrifices nor accept them, who deal with one another as traders, giving value for value.¹⁰

Disarming the gratitude trap—and savoring genuine gratitude—requires abandoning any remnant of the altruistic notion of duty, keeping clear in your mind the distinction between actions that benefit you and those that don’t, and never treating the latter as the former.

For those taught to act altruistically from an early age, this can be a difficult adjustment. In the past, I was more like Julia, allowing myself to be trapped by a sense of duty. I’m glad I now have more clarity. I’ve given myself a standing order to investigate how I feel in response to shows of kindness and to distinguish between those that are win-win and those that are not. And I’ve learned how to decline the latter politely. Instead of accepting a gift, I can warmly and tactfully refuse it. For example, I might say, “I feel uncomfortable accepting this. I hope you understand and appreciate my honesty.” Or “I appreciate the thought. It’s not something I would use.”

The giver’s response is not in my control. For example, he might graciously respect me and say, “I understand; thank you for being honest.” But if he reacts poorly, I might calmly and non-defensively say, “I see that you’re upset. My guess is that you, too, have received gifts that you are uncomfortable accepting. If I ever give you something you are uncomfortable with, please let me know. We will get to know one another better this way.” If he carries on, the problem lies with him. I have not compromised my integrity, and his response is not my responsibility. I do not need to lose sleep over it. Indeed, I can feel proud that I did not betray my values.

If I sense that someone is not actually being kind and generous but attempting to trap me into gratitude, I don’t feel the unearned guilt that once would have motivated me to appease that person. Rather, I often feel sad that the person has chosen to be a gratitude trapper.

Let’s revisit our stories, now assuming that those trapped have come to understand these crucial distinctions and to accept the moral propriety of win-win relationships, as against any form of sacrifice.

When Max tells Julia what to wear or what hairstyle to have, she could calmly, with gentle conviction, say, “I enjoy making my own decisions about how to dress and style my hair. I hope you understand and will respect that.” When Max announces the next ice-fishing vacation, she could reply, “The children and I don’t like the cold, and we don’t enjoy fishing. You will have some buddies there. You go ahead and have fun, and we can plan something later that we all enjoy.”

When Hilda insists on “helping” her daughter-in-law cook and clean her home, Megan could say, “Mom, I see you are trying to help. I would prefer that you relax or play with your grandchild. I’ll let you know when I’d welcome your help.” If Hilda fusses, Megan could say, “Mom, we each have our own ways of doing things. I’m comfortable with you relaxing and being a guest here. I’ll happily call you when I need an extra hand.”

Yes, Max or Hilda may be disappointed and surprised when confronted with sincere feedback, but Julia and Megan are giving them the gift of being honest—and providing an example that they can emulate in similar situations.

It takes courage to change habitual patterns in relationships. During the transition period, it is well worth gracefully weathering a few storms of resistance from a person with either misplaced benevolence or manipulative motives. And if that person doesn’t change, you may need to distance yourself.

Unpacking the package deal of “gratitude” and retaining only the concept’s genuine, self-valuing, win-win essence enables one to detect and reject gratitude traps. Together, these steps are psychologically liberating. They provide moral clarity that anyone can leverage to uncage himself and begin savoring genuine gratitude.

About Ellen Kenner

Dr. Ellen Kenner is a clinical psychologist and host of the radio talk show The Rational Basis of Happiness®. She and Dr. Edwin A. Locke co-authored The Selfish Path to Romance: How to Love with Passion and Reason, a guide for finding and nurturing romance, inspired by the ideas of Ayn Rand.

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